Been Here Before (with a Twist)

Sitting on the toilet seat
With two people sleeping in the next room
Trying to shit silently
When it hurts and I must move
To keep the bowels flowing
And the legs from going numb
And the nose is running from
The water and whatever
The nose runs a lot these days

I wish I was alone
So I could lay down naked
Then come back to this throne
When the bowels had more to give
As I drink more water to live
And I’d love to take a shower
But it is such a late hour
And we need to be a awake
At 5:30 am four hours away
It was cabbage and the meats
That I ate at the cheap buffet
And the magnesium citrate I drank
Just a few sips to help food on its way
Through the bowels that have been thin
Acting up for most of this year

Starting with antibiotic
Which lead to C.Diff
Which lead to dehydration
Which lead to kidney infection
Which lead to more antibiotics
Which lead to recurring C.Diff
Which lead to the current issue
That has me sitting on the toilet seat
In the middle of the night

so you think it's gross

well not as gross as it could be i suppose, but why deny the facts of life when they poop out of us on a regular basis... hoping you are regular, and all that... oh poo, if you are grossed out or offended just read some of the other crap on the web... i certainly can provide you with links, as you well know... you could read some meaningless complaints or pretend you care for no apparent reason... perhaps the body talks in mysterious ways... you want to know me?... go back in time and you may find my heart, but this blog is all about a different body system, ya know?... lately though, it's been replaced by ruzzle as my primary activity to pass the time instead of babbling here... anyone disappointed should call me... or your shrink...

time to wipe...

existence

as in, i virtually almost forgot this blog existed (and should i even mention this one (don't laugh, it has a follower) which could be considered babbles under the toilet seat (what?... you didn't know what BOTTS stood for?) but (no butt jokes at the moment) this blog does exist because once upon a time i had a book i would leave in the bathroom that i opened and wrote in only when i went to sit on the pot (loo, toilet, commode, whatever you might wish to call it... we all do it, after all... poop, i mean... i don't supposed we all babble on the toilet seat, but then, maybe this will start a trend)...

some people read magazines...

you?...

creating a volcano

yes, after eating small portions of healthy low fat low carb low calorie food for every meal for a few of weeks, especially the past week, eating massive amounts of red meat and tomato sauce and spices and cheese and pasta throws the digestive system a curve that could provide much gas, especially when prune juice and a few liters of water are added in an attempt to purge the excess calories through the system (there's a storm in my stomach and it's heading south at a rapid pace) rather than in bulimic fashion, massive amounts of liquid partially digested meat and much gas must pass...

i wouldn't want to be the porcelain throne anytime tonight...

what i do for science

yes, i measured my poop... not scientifically cuz i don't have the lab equipment or even the household set up for such a fun activity, but i estimated a finger length and estimated the poop to be nine fingers... yes, that it why i decided to measure it, because it was such a long poop... i have had bigger and heavier poops, at times have clogged up with pipes (outside of the body... i rarely get a constipation issue), but this was one of the longer poops i recall... not the longest, but getting there... so i measured, approximately... it was between 27 and 30 inches long and at least an inch wide in most spots... for the record (and a warning) and posterity (because posterity loves this sort of detail), i photographed it... yes, i too a picture of the poop... to protect your sensibilities i put some space between these words and the image so you can choose if you have to scroll down or avoid seeing it... if you just couldn't help yourself, don't complain (and if you are laughing too, well, you are welcome to continue reading here and wherever i ramble and you may be ready for the daily poop)...

where else should these go, aye?

hemmorrhoids, i mean... the last decade or so i get them occasionally, maybe once a year, maybe less... usually on the inside, usually from squeezing a too hard too big turd out, usually responding quickly to suppositories and gone in a few days... this week they are providing a new experience... i seem to have one on the outside of the anus and it is not responding as quickly... i also have intermittent diarrhea due to either food poisoning, virus, or kidney stones is certainly not helping as it's keeping the area too moist and repeated cleaning adds to the moisture... not much pain, though definitely notice the discomfort while sitting... it seems to be improving, just taking longer than any previous rhoid... so i have a battery of medications, suppositories, creams, and wipes... and treatment continues...

what's up your ass these days? :)

and how do you wipe?

some people wipe back to front, reaching between their legs... i am uncertain as to the potential for contamination of the frontal organs that way as i don't, but i especially wonder about the risk for girls... and i've always wondered how obese people wipe because, well, how do they reach it and for that matter, how do they reach a lot of places most of us actually rub soap on daily, but that's another story... and on the other hand, reaching around from the side can be quite challenging for the shoulder as aging comes around, especially if there is a shoulder or arm injury... and which arm, the dominant or the other arm?... and we have not even touched on the complication of hair... but i won't ask you if you have a hairy butt, or more politely, how hairy are you down there and do you do anything about that?...

these questions arise as i am struggling with what is most likely a partially torn biceps tendon making extending the arm extremely painful and reaching around or even between relatively physically impossible... see, it's my dominant arm and i always use my dominant arm to wipe so learning how to use the other arm has been a bit of a challenge lately... and i thought the human body was of inconvenient design and not just for the planet... and hair makes the cleaning even more inconvenient... i am happy to see at least one company in the usa understands that wet wipes are more sanitary than the wiping we've been doing in this country... perhaps bidets will happen here in this century...

feel free to jump in anytime :)